What Does ‘Independence’ Really Mean?

What do we really mean by being ‘independent’?

When you search for a definition of ‘independent,’ you’ll come across a number of different meanings. For example, ‘not wanting or needing anyone else to help you or do things for you,’ (Cambridge Dictionary, 2024.) Is that realistic? And the difficulty is, how can we use this one word, ‘independent,’ to talk about something that is entirely different for each and every one of us? 

This blog is about exactly that - what does being independent mean to you?

But first, let me set the scene. I’m a fiercely determined person, but I’ve had a bumpy road in life. After struggling in a mainstream school until the age of 15, I spent my final few months in hospital education, whilst receiving treatment for a mental health condition. My struggles lasted for several years. Fast forward to the age of 26, and I was diagnosed as autistic. I often say that was the moment that things started to change in life, when everything slowly started to make sense.

"If I didn’t understand the way that my mind worked differently, how could I begin to understand what my support needs were?"

This is a reflection of my own lived experiences of growing up and figuring out what independence means to me. And I’m not going to lie to you, at the age of 34, I’m still on that journey. However, I hope that it encourages you to be curious about the meaning of independence, whether that be thinking about your own independence, or that of someone you might be supporting.

For a long time, life felt like a never-ending juggling act. I was navigating mental health recovery, trying to finish my education, feeling constantly confused and overwhelmed by the world around me, whilst trying to find my place in the world of work. And through all of this, I was on a mission - to become independent. Yet, I don’t think I actually took the time to question what that meant. 

As I’m sitting here writing this, I’m wondering where that mission came from. Why did I become so focused on independence? Often, I’m like a sponge, soaking up and internalising messages from the world around me, and this is definitely a great example of that. I learnt that I ‘should’ be independent, reinforced by goals that have been set for me, for example, as part of care and support plans.

I’m not against independence, far from it, but I see it differently to how I used to. I now associate independence with autonomy (the ability to make our own decisions) and finding ways and having the confidence to do the things I’d like to do in life. For me, the meaning of independence certainly isn’t not wanting or needing anyone else. Yet, in the areas of life where I do need support, when people do ’with,’ rather than ‘for’ or ‘to’ me, this is what makes the difference. This is what helps me to feel empowered. 

"Just because there are things that I need support with in life, that doesn’t mean that I can’t also be independent."

I like to think of independence as a spectrum (and not the linear sort). Thinking at the extreme of the spectrum, I would not require support from anyone, but that is far from my day-to-day reality. For example, I struggle with skills like planning, organising, and getting started with tasks, and might need extra support to plan my routines at home and work. On the other hand, there are certain tasks that I can do without any support at all. 

Since discovering I’m autistic, I’ve been constantly exploring how my mind works. I’ve been learning that I have my own unique set of strengths, differences and needs. But there have been moments in my life where I was fighting so hard to be completely independent, that I forgot about my challenges. I would fight against support, reject it, blocking out the voices of people around me who were trying to help. And when I ignored my support needs, things would often fall apart. I’d become exhausted and burnt out, and struggle to keep up with everything I needed and wanted to do. 

I felt that I just wanted to be like everyone else and that I was (metaphorically) running to catch up with people of a similar age. I thought that needing support meant that I was somehow a failure, that I wasn’t good enough. Importantly, I needed to stop comparing myself to other people and remember that I am unique. 

I learnt that needing support didn’t make me a failure at all! It takes a lot of self-awareness and strength to realise what we might need help with, let alone ask for and accept that help. It also creates opportunities to learn from other people, and for other people to learn from us. It becomes a win-win, reciprocal situation!

"Accepting that I have support needs has been an important part of forming my own definition of independence."

At times, I’ve become frustrated at myself. As proud as I am of my autistic identity, there have even been times when I’ve said I wish I wasn’t autistic! But eventually, self-compassion creeps back in, and I remember that I wouldn’t want to change my autistic mind, because it equally brings me so much joy, especially when I’m absorbed in my focused interests. It’s okay to need help from other people. No one can do everything, after all, none of us are super humans, we all need some support in life from time to time.

Finally, my place on the spectrum of independence, and what level of support I need, changes. And that can make it a bit tricky in a world that tries to fit us into nice, neat boxes. Where I sit on that spectrum is impacted by lots of different things; how my mental and physical health both are, what environment I am learning or working in, and what has been happening in my life more generally. 

The first challenge is understanding what support I need to live well and to thrive at any given point in time. And then the second challenge is being able to communicate those needs to other people around me. It’s a process of working together with others, adapting as my needs shift and evolve, and creating my own unique box that fits around me.   

Exploring independence and my support needs is a work in progress, but I’m not alone on that journey. I’ve had so many moments where I’ve experienced what I refer to as ‘me too’ moments. These are the times when a peer has shared an experience that I can relate to, when I feel less isolated. By listening to the experiences of others, it helps me to realise I’m not the only one navigating this journey of independence and understanding my needs.

"So, I will leave you with a slightly different question this time. What would you like independence to mean, look like, and feel like to you?"

Cambridge Dictionary (2024). independent. [online] @CambridgeWords. Available at: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/learner-english/independent [Accessed 28 Dec. 2024].

Bio:

Remie Colledge (she/her) is a Freelance Autistic Speaker, Trainer, Reflector, and Writer. Her work is founded on lived experiences, reflective practices, and professional experience.

Remie explores, curates, and communicates insights in an intentional way. She is passionate about working together with others to create a more neuro-inclusive world to live, work and belong; a world that supports neurodivergent wellbeing.

https://remiecolledge.co.uk/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/remie-colledge/